Chapter 80 – Mission

“The prophecy tells of a light that will come from the Beyond. As it touches the ground it will become even greater than the sun itself. This light will usher in a new life for all of us. It will destroy the defilers and purify the earth. It is said that the light is from one of us who has gone before. This light is the one who sacrificed the most.”

Elder’s words, the Caysas’ prophesy, haunts me as I remain in my room in the Bormeas’ compound. I look around the room slowly, letting my eyes settle on an object or move aimlessly about like my thoughts. Conversations with Elder drift in an out of my thoughts. Words from another time and place. Instead of recalling the setting in which these words were spoken, I envision Elder here, speaking them to me now.

“I can see that you have become emotionally involved here. Since you appear to be new to feelings, let me tell you there are three basic emotions: joy, anger and sorrow. Anything else is a product of one of those or a mixture of them. You can’t have one without the other — they are connected to each other. When one of them takes over, ride it out so you learn what it feels like — the ebb and flow of it. So when it returns you recognize it and can handle it better, control it and use it, if necessary, when needed.

“That you have experienced joy first means you will risk everything for happiness. Sorrow will be your enemy and downfall if you do not learn to control it. Anger will drive you. How long each of these emotions last is up to what befalls you and how you react. One small thing may trigger the next wave.

“There will come a time when you may have to choose between giving up and starting over. Whether it be sorrow, guilt or despair — do NOT let it overtake you. You may have to work hard to reclaim your life, a life that may never be the way it was before. But you will honor that former life, what you lost, by continuing on in your struggle.”

The vision of Elder fades and I realize at some point that I’ve lost myself in the grief and buried myself in the heavy hide of the Bormea. It now feels like I’m trapped inside of a carcass of another living thing and am unable to escape. I’ve become mean, lashing out in my pain to the other Bormeas around me, miserable in my grotesque appearance. I’m feeling as though I somewhat deserve this … exile and pain for what happened to Elder. What brings out these thoughts are the new rugs with Nemel’s designs. The sight of Nemel’s rugs with my symbol glowing with rays of light, pulls me back out of the gloom.

But, I can’t stop thinking about the night I left the Caysas. How it took a long time for sleep to visit them after Elder’s funeral. As I walked away I sifted through my thoughts and the data I had collected, knowing as I did so that I was putting off mourning the one who had died in my place. Knowing that some day I would allow myself to feel that loss and wonder what I’d do with that pain.

I thought that the rush of the mission and involving the other scouts would take over, that I’d transition to my role of Bormea without another thought of the Caysas. Instead, the brusque behavior of the Bormeas and their solitary ways seems to invoke pain and makes me yearn for my earlier companions. If this is sorrow and pain, how do I deal with it? How do I learn to control something I never dealt with before?