To put it clinically, my race, my kind … we are genderless … sexless. We do not reproduce by means of coupling or mating. We are regenerated by some other means of which even we are not completely aware. There’s some potential truth to the thought that we may not even be really alive. We may simply be a creation that appears real and has some adaptive properties about it. It may be that we never had our own planet that was conquered by the Nosram who saved only an elite few of us to do their bidding. Perhaps we were just collected by the Nosram and by means of their studies they are able to regenerate us while our own kind continues elsewhere. Or, it could be from their many studies and experiments that they simply created us. Nevertheless, we do not spawn or otherwise replicate ourselves by any means. We are simply a plain shape on which another form is molded. While other life forms may see us as their own kind, we retain our own thoughts and working knowledge of their culture. Our actions and reactions have to be learned, taught and always, after carefully analysis of the situation and possible outcomes, must always favor the mission.
Though I may have reacted favorably to Dar-el in order to win her allegiance and thus help me more, was there more to it? Had I taken on the form of a female and still placed in her care, what would I be feeling toward her now? Would there be the same sense of connection or would it be of a different nature? Was there some influence from my male body that has led to a connection that I cannot fathom because I don’t know what it is and what to call it? It would be like me looking at any living creature and deciding whether it is desirous. I have no means, no base line from which to make this judgement. How do the Caysas or other life forms select one another? Is it a physical thing?
While on a previous mission, I observed one species where the female devoured the male as the climax of the mating ritual, thus providing her with the nutrition in which to spawn her offspring. It was a ghastly ritual, though, at the time I observed it with disinterest. Now I think what an unfavorable end for the male. Hopefully the pleasure equaled the ultimate sacrifice. Though, I can’t say if I had been a male of such species that I would have volunteered. In the end, the female got her due, as those she bore ultimately killed her by burrowing their way through her, consuming her as they did.
Of the other species I have observed, some had more elaborate mating rituals. Consummating the act itself though only took a few moments, was perfunctory and the male would go off to sire elsewhere while the female raised the offspring. For species like the Caysas, where the relationships of the life forms are a key element in their evolution, how the emotions come into play is just as important as how the body functions. It is much like operating a piece of machinery or programming without receiving any instructions, only a scout is in the machine and we don’t always know how everything works in a related manner.
Thus we remain observers and not participants, because in getting connected we might betray our lack of knowledge or reveal our true selves and then the mission would be compromised. It is thought difficult to imagine the pleasure involved with such an act as coupling, given only observational studies. Does the bond between the two bring them together or is there a bonding during the act? Or is the bond strengthened even more? What to make of those who break the bond as though something came undone? As though the passion between them no longer existed. Dare-el and I never expressed this passion, this desire for each other in our time together, leaving me to wonder whether she felt it all. Did I? Was I supposed to instigate it by some means that I was unaware of? This desire is a mystery to me, though I still think of her often. I wonder of her life and her well-being. I wonder what will become of her should the Nosram invade or strengthen the Bormeas. It is the desire for seeing her again and be a part of her life again that I am debating what it is I can do to help. To help in such a manner that I would sacrifice my own life for hers. That is what I know of desire, but it is not the kind exhibited by her kind. It is something else.